Why I Believe That ‘Revision = Depression’.

It’s that time of the year again when I, as a high school student, have to give my best to the final exams of the year, to apply all that I have learnt in one year and apply them well so as to be able to pass on to the next new school year. Yep, here in Mauritius we follow the British education system, mainly the Cambridge syllabus.

And next year will be my last year in secondary school, I will be sitting for the A-level CIE (Cambridge International Examinations), which will determine my future! I mean, the end results of those six years of secondary school  will lie in these exams and will enable me to jump to a new educational level, that is the tertiary/university level.

That is, if I get good grades.

This year’s final exams is a sort of training for next year. Thus I’m currently in revision mode. And that’s why that I have to tell you that I might post and visit your blogs a little less than usual ’til the end of this month. A little less, because next year will be worse! I don’t know what I will do next year. Anyway.

Before getting to the Why I Believe That ‘Revision = Depression’ part, let me tell you what type of student I’ve been brought up to be.

I’m a student, i.e.:

Since my early childhood, I was much appreciated for my love for letters, reading and writing (hey, that’s why I’m here), but then I was ‘praised’ for my ‘excellent academic performance’. All right, so my little self didn’t mind at all. I was good. So great, now let’s play!

But of course, adults took this more seriously.

And today, I’m studying in the ‘best’ secondary school for girls of my country and I get great grades and prizes each year. And I’m overestimated. By my teachers, by my family… and even by my friends.

For those who have not been the ‘bestest’ of students in their youth might see my academic life as awesome.

But getting back to reality, it’s not.

I feel awful. I feel pressured. Pressure is good… to a certain limit. It stimulates your motivation to succeed, but it can lead to depression as well. And lethargy. And the feeling of being misunderstood. The feeling that you are a robot, designed only to work and succeed at all costs. What is worse is that I only have two options: either I remain the best, or I fall down. I can’t go up, because there is no up, unless I fall down. And when I fall down…

Not even the smallest degree of self-satisfaction between the two.

Am I really going to publish this?

Oh god.

So getting back on track, revision is a sort of reminder that I am pressured, that I have to be the best, that my entire life has always been centring on this period of the year…

That is when REVISION = DEPRESSION. How?

1. I start to revise.

2. I really get into the subject.

3. I have in mind that people expect a lot from me, so I revise harder.

4. I get a drink.

5. I get back to revising, but somehow my mind starts going somewhere else, like what is really the point of learning all this?

6. Are all of this going to help me in life?

7. Then my other life problems surface…

8. I eat chocolate. And try to revise.

9. What will happen after the very last exams of secondary education?

10. What exactly do I want to study in university?

11. Am I sure? What’s the career I will come out with then?

12. Where will I go? The people around me are giving me too many opportunities. Everyone wants me for themselves.

13. *deep breathing* let’s get back to my childhood dreams, which are still my actual dreams/goals. Should I follow them instead and ignore everyone else?

14. Am I being selfish?

15. Am I antisocial?

16. Should I just shut up and follow my heart? But what if my heart itself is divided, torn apart? I love and want too many things in life…

17. I hate choices. Because I will feel guilty for whatever I choose, as I will have to leave the other possibilities behind.

18. I don’t know what to do…

19. *deeper breathing* the question that is supposed to solve everything: what do I want?

20. T.T makes me even more confused. I have these burning childhood dreams… but there are other dreams that have been added to them… more mature ones. And they clash.

21. Thus I get into the ‘I don’t care’ attitude.

22. I look down at my copybook/book and tell myself that it’s stupid to think too much on the future. I should focus on the present.

23. What do I want? I want to get good grades this year. Then we’ll talk about the rest later.

24. So revise!

25. Yet my mood is spoiled. I’m depressed.

Final thought:

I’ve mostly considered myself more lucky than intelligent, you know. I’m just lucky that I get good grades. On the other hand, when people praise me not for my academic performance, but for my writing and any other arts I do, I truly feel that I deserve it. That I’m talented.

That’s when I get this self-satisfaction that good grades should have given me. That’s why in a sense, I prefer to enroll in a psychology course at university rather than a writing one. If writing becomes academic… I don’t know what the consequences might be. Fortunately I love studying psychology.

Just wish me luck.

By the way if you’ve been wondering what are my childhood/current dreams: it’s becoming a famous writer and travelling all over the world 🙂

***

I know that this was a weird ‘schoolish’ post, and not a very ‘happy’ one, compared to my latest posts, but this is just to tell you that I won’t be posting a lot for the weeks that are to come and that, I’m not that perfect talented seventeen-year-old girl that gives good advice and shares philosophy thoughts all the time. I have my times of depression and moodiness too.

This was a long post – sorry!

Anyway, for those also taking part in your end-of-year examinations this October-November, I wish you good luck!

xoxo
An Evil Nymph.

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41 thoughts on “Why I Believe That ‘Revision = Depression’.

  1. Firstly, all the very best for your exams and of course, future(don’t think about it now 😉 )
    I loved the ‘step by step’ procedure of getting depressed. I’ve been through it before my graduation and now I’m into it again, for the post graduation part!! Still don’t think much and enjoy your time 🙂
    Good luck again!

  2. Though my FINAL EXAMS were decades ago… once again you have magically captured the experience. I feel your pain and frustration. Fortunately you are smart and good grades come easier to you. I forget how young you are. You write like an old soul. And yet, you explain so well that the pressure you put on yourself is real and the way you outlined the path to depression is so revealing and yet such a great tool to recognize and conquer!
    I wish I could tell you that THESE are the good old days and make you understand and really treasure them. You will understand soon enough.
    Prayers that you nail these finals!

  3. Hey Daphnee, this was a great post, thanks for sharing your thoughts with us!

    I get what you mean by feeling that things can only go down from being at the top. But I think another way to look at it is that there is ALWAYS room for improvement, which means you can ALWAYS keep rising higher and higher. It’s not necessarily about the marks or which place you are at in comparison to the other students. It’s about whether you are getting better at your skills, whether it be writing skills, critical analysis skills, argumentative skills (as in an essay), presentation skills, and so on.

    I used to also be an excellent student in high school, but when I got to university I was no longer getting the 90+ marks and at the top of the class. First of all, my program/university was not designed to just give out those kind of marks, so it was good to know that. But also, I don’t think my head was in the right place. I realized only until my last couple of years in university (after I had lost confidence in myself that I could be one of those top students in my classes) that if I focused more on just doing better than how I, myself did the last time, that it led to better results. Focusing on where I could use improvement in my studies meant that I was always learning, always growing, always improving, always RISING.

    As for what to study, if you know what your dreams are for your future, find out what it would take to get you there. It may not just be the program you study in school. Maybe it’s also experience, maybe you could do volunteer work somewhere. Maybe you need to have a portfolio that you can start building now. And if it does include taking a certain program in school, why not do it? Don’t ever feel guilty for the choice you didn’t pick, but be excited about the choice you did make and the fact that you even get to have that choice! 🙂

    Alright, sorry for the long ramble. I wish you all the best, Daphnee! Don’t forget to both study hard and when you’re not studying hard, to enjoy life and being young. It’s easy to let many, many years go by where you only focus on the studying/working hard and suddenly find that your whole youth passed you by just being stressed!

    – Janice xoxo

    1. Wow this ‘long ramble’ as you call it has totally made my day since I read it through my inbox! Your words come from your own experience and they really inspire me, and I realise that this period of being depressed is already going away. I just wasn’t feeling good on the day I published this, and I’m sorry if I worried you! I’m feeling better now and ready to challenge myself and be optimistic again 🙂 Of course, I always try to balance work and fun ^^ grabbing the best of both worlds, uh?
      Thank you so much for your uplifting comment and for your support in general as a blogger. You rock!!

      1. Aww, thanks Daphnee! I’m glad I could make your day 🙂

        It’s okay, you didn’t worry me. I know how it feels to go through periods of feeling down. Then you get back up again and face the world and its challenges. Glad you are back up!

  4. Daphnee, I know that this is a crazy time for you, and it’s okay to be stressed and let it out on your blog. I’m sure you’ll do fine and everything will work out for you. Good luck on your exams!

    1. You’re definitely right and I think that’s not because they are asian not because they are so-called caretaking parents – caretaking parents sometimes just too much – yes we are… 😉

  5. I both admire and respect you for posting this but I am mostly impressed that despite the fact that revising makes you depressed, you still put your best foot forward and study 🙂
    Your actions will definitely pay off and show you the fruits of your labor. Good luck with the exams!

    1. Well it’s what I always did… and I’m aware that it’s important for me to do so, although sometimes I get depressed, but hell that’s part of life, right? ^^ feeling better now.
      Thanks a lot!

  6. Somehow I think you will O.K. Don’t let the pressure get to you! From what I seen so far you are a talented and conscientious young woman and things will fall into place for you no matter what. Don’t forget to have fun and leave a lot of space for your creativity. That’s what really counts in shaping your happy and true self 🙂

  7. I think you’re doing great – & I think blogging it all out is great too! Life would have been more tolerable, I think, if I could have blogged away my issues of the day.

    You’re really in touch, I reckon, & full of vibe. Good luck 🙂

  8. I wish you all the best my friend. You are a very smart, talented person. I remember having so much stress with exams as well as feeling low when I didn’t well but now I realized what matters is you did your best and you enjoyed your student life. It’s the best, fun stage there is.

  9. Hi Daph. You must stay away from my blog and revise. When you have passed your A Levels you will be welcome to come and blitz me with Likes and Comments. Okay ?? I know you will pass with flying colours, just a little while longer with your nose to the grindstone 😀 Ralph x

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