Why I Believe That ‘Revision = Depression’.

It’s that time of the year again when I, as a high school student, have to give my best to the final exams of the year, to apply all that I have learnt in one year and apply them well so as to be able to pass on to the next new school year. Yep, here in Mauritius we follow the British education system, mainly the Cambridge syllabus.

And next year will be my last year in secondary school, I will be sitting for the A-level CIE (Cambridge International Examinations), which will determine my future! I mean, the end results of those six years of secondary school  will lie in these exams and will enable me to jump to a new educational level, that is the tertiary/university level.

That is, if I get good grades.

This year’s final exams is a sort of training for next year. Thus I’m currently in revision mode. And that’s why that I have to tell you that I might post and visit your blogs a little less than usual ’til the end of this month. A little less, because next year will be worse! I don’t know what I will do next year. Anyway.

Before getting to the Why I Believe That ‘Revision = Depression’ part, let me tell you what type of student I’ve been brought up to be.

I’m a student, i.e.:

Since my early childhood, I was much appreciated for my love for letters, reading and writing (hey, that’s why I’m here), but then I was ‘praised’ for my ‘excellent academic performance’. All right, so my little self didn’t mind at all. I was good. So great, now let’s play!

But of course, adults took this more seriously.

And today, I’m studying in the ‘best’ secondary school for girls of my country and I get great grades and prizes each year. And I’m overestimated. By my teachers, by my family… and even by my friends.

For those who have not been the ‘bestest’ of students in their youth might see my academic life as awesome.

But getting back to reality, it’s not.

I feel awful. I feel pressured. Pressure is good… to a certain limit. It stimulates your motivation to succeed, but it can lead to depression as well. And lethargy. And the feeling of being misunderstood. The feeling that you are a robot, designed only to work and succeed at all costs. What is worse is that I only have two options: either I remain the best, or I fall down. I can’t go up, because there is no up, unless I fall down. And when I fall down…

Not even the smallest degree of self-satisfaction between the two.

Am I really going to publish this?

Oh god.

So getting back on track, revision is a sort of reminder that I am pressured, that I have to be the best, that my entire life has always been centring on this period of the year…

That is when REVISION = DEPRESSION. How?

1. I start to revise.

2. I really get into the subject.

3. I have in mind that people expect a lot from me, so I revise harder.

4. I get a drink.

5. I get back to revising, but somehow my mind starts going somewhere else, like what is really the point of learning all this?

6. Are all of this going to help me in life?

7. Then my other life problems surface…

8. I eat chocolate. And try to revise.

9. What will happen after the very last exams of secondary education?

10. What exactly do I want to study in university?

11. Am I sure? What’s the career I will come out with then?

12. Where will I go? The people around me are giving me too many opportunities. Everyone wants me for themselves.

13. *deep breathing* let’s get back to my childhood dreams, which are still my actual dreams/goals. Should I follow them instead and ignore everyone else?

14. Am I being selfish?

15. Am I antisocial?

16. Should I just shut up and follow my heart? But what if my heart itself is divided, torn apart? I love and want too many things in life…

17. I hate choices. Because I will feel guilty for whatever I choose, as I will have to leave the other possibilities behind.

18. I don’t know what to do…

19. *deeper breathing* the question that is supposed to solve everything: what do I want?

20. T.T makes me even more confused. I have these burning childhood dreams… but there are other dreams that have been added to them… more mature ones. And they clash.

21. Thus I get into the ‘I don’t care’ attitude.

22. I look down at my copybook/book and tell myself that it’s stupid to think too much on the future. I should focus on the present.

23. What do I want? I want to get good grades this year. Then we’ll talk about the rest later.

24. So revise!

25. Yet my mood is spoiled. I’m depressed.

Final thought:

I’ve mostly considered myself more lucky than intelligent, you know. I’m just lucky that I get good grades. On the other hand, when people praise me not for my academic performance, but for my writing and any other arts I do, I truly feel that I deserve it. That I’m talented.

That’s when I get this self-satisfaction that good grades should have given me. That’s why in a sense, I prefer to enroll in a psychology course at university rather than a writing one. If writing becomes academic… I don’t know what the consequences might be. Fortunately I love studying psychology.

Just wish me luck.

By the way if you’ve been wondering what are my childhood/current dreams: it’s becoming a famous writer and travelling all over the world 🙂

***

I know that this was a weird ‘schoolish’ post, and not a very ‘happy’ one, compared to my latest posts, but this is just to tell you that I won’t be posting a lot for the weeks that are to come and that, I’m not that perfect talented seventeen-year-old girl that gives good advice and shares philosophy thoughts all the time. I have my times of depression and moodiness too.

This was a long post – sorry!

Anyway, for those also taking part in your end-of-year examinations this October-November, I wish you good luck!

xoxo
An Evil Nymph.