The War Against Myself

Here’s this week’s Picture it & Write and my contribution:

blue and purple despair

Purple and blue are my favourite colours. When I look at them, they stare back at me with a face of helplessness and despair.

Does that mean that I’m a desperate girl?

Maybe.

Not.

I looked down at my naked body, feeling my skin over my palm. It was not smooth. The black feathers, they have started to grow. Again. It would not be too long now.

No, I was a rebel.

I was angry. I was filled with hatred. But I wanted more.

I was thirsty. For blood. For deaths.

I yearned to see hurt in people’s eyes.

So that they knew what I was feeling. How I have suffered as well.

I snickered.

Do you know what it feels like to have this desire to cry all the time? How it is so hard to hold these tears back, but then trying to fake a smile instead? Do any one of you know what it feels like to have a fate? To not be in control of your future and be a victim of circumstances?

To be… doomed?

I am trapped. Stuck in a prison of the most beautiful things, but which are deadly destructive inside. Like success, glory, money. These look attractive at first, but in the long run… Hypocrite things they are!

In the long run, I could no more eat food but feed myself with the pain, fear, misery… of others, of course. As people would crumble, I would eventually rise. A merciless game.

But then, I found hope.

I found Love.

And that was when I decided to fight.

Against myself. Against my destiny.

The bright colours of happiness were outside, waiting for me. I only had to…

I banged my body against the hard purple and blue wall. Again and again. But it was made of an elastic matter. It would only stretch farther away into my darkness, instead of breaking into the light.

Could I ever break free?

I cut my black hair, those dark venomous snakes, and tore off my black wings, made of raven feathers. Then I hit the wall again.

In vain.

I was badly hurt by the time I came to exhaustion. I was naked. Powerless.

I was made of evil. It was plain useless to deny it. And it was growing again. Everywhere on my body. The hatred, the hurt…

Revenge.

No, I would not give up. The reward was too priceless: happiness. Brighter colours. Love had called me, which meant that I was not completely evil after all. There was something good and beautiful inside of me. I just have to break through the purple and blue.

I swear I will win this war.

An Evil Nymph.

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43 thoughts on “The War Against Myself

  1. Eric says:

    The war well waged, small battles won,
    enemy’s front facing dawn’s sun,
    then dart around all strong-entrenched,
    no matter how hid-heart is wrenched,
    enveloping the weaker foe.

    Eric M. Vogt, Copyright 2013

  2. luv2sex.info says:

    I suppose you’re trying to look for a direction for yourself ! Hope somehow, someday, sometime, something or maybe someone will lead you to the direction where you can find happiness!

  3. coastalmom says:

    I think that I have a totally different reaction to this than would be expected by a fifty something middle aged+ woman. I totally GET you. I don’t read this with once ounce of judgment… rather … I am you. I am the words you write. I wonder about myself sometimes and the choices I have made the last few years…. I wonder if I let someone back in my life actually knowing I would never allow them totally “in” just to hurt them NOW like they hurt me then? This piece was “ME”
    Though on my own blog I am not brave enough to admit~ I mean I come close, even come clean a few times… talking about my faux pau… but I have too many followers in my blog… some who may know me personally, but here… in the safety of yours… I find that soft place to fall and once again… you have nailed it!!!!!!!!!! Now I am going to go back and read it all over again!

  4. vastlycurious.com says:

    Do you know what it feels like to have this desire to cry all the time? How it is so hard to hold these tears back, but then trying to fake a smile instead? Do any one of you know what it feels like to have a fate? To not be in control of your future and be a victim of circumstances?

    Yes I have known this despair but I am a survivor – as are you and we prevail! We shall!

    On a side note- is that you in the picture? I know people that do this.

    Thanks for your courage!

  5. carolynpageabc says:

    Oh, Daph; I hope she wins…! ๐Ÿ™‚
    Every time I look at this image, I’m amazed. It’s a brilliant pic…! And your piece captivated me. I wanted to know more… ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Island Traveler says:

    A winning post that makes the reader think and reflect about onself and one’s war between various reasons. Everyday, I to am between duals and war from within. In the end, we get to make the choice. Hopefully, the right one.

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