I wasn’t sure whether I should have included this post in my Psychology series, but, on second thought, I am actually going to develop a theory of mine here so… here’s the usual disclaimer:
~ Being a future psychology student, I decided to create a new category of posts here on An Evil Nymph’s Blog which will be dealing with some of my weird and crazy theories of life and people. For fun, of course since I don’t have a degree yet. Also I’m not trying to make generalisations and it’ll be best that, as you read on, you imagine putting in the word ‘maybe’ in every sentence. These are only my 19 year old opinions. Anyway, scroll down at your own risk… and enjoy! ~
(Moreover this week, I want to publish two posts in this psychology series because I missed last week’s. So here’s the first one; the second one will be published during the weekend… oh and it’s also why I am not posting on a Friday for this one :P)
Today I came across this video:
It is the main inspiration of this post’s topic, and that’s because the message of Gilbert in all is the fact that change is the only constant thing in our life (for those who won’t bother watching ;) oh yes I know some of you do that)… which in turn reminds me of an old vlog of mine:
In which I state in other words what Gilbert described as us being work-in-progress… (though, he continues, we believe we are finished as human beings).
And how does all this relate to the title of this post, you may ask? If you’ve watched mine above, I guess you’ve already seen the relation.
Because, thanks to Gilbert’s theory and mine combined, you have hopefully already found out about the method used to develop the incapability of feeling guilt or remorse.
All right, let me explain in words then, just to clear things up better…
People have asked me from time to time how I do it. How I keep away from guilt and remorse so as to prevent me from having a breakdown or fall into depression.
Well, my remedy is simple:
Let’s say I hurt my friend, like I said nasty things to him… or even used violence in a fit of rage of mine. Who doesn’t feel awful after such an impulsive gesture? (Socio(psycho)paths of course, but let’s talk about ‘normal’ people for a sec) Especially if your victim is a friend you have always kept close to your heart?
Then comes guilt and shame… It’s your fault; you’re a monster and your friend has the right to be furious and not talk to you anymore.
However, now let’s change perspective… by asking those questions:
Why did I hurt him? What happened just before? Example: He gave away my deepest secret to someone else, right?
So there was a reason why I hurt him. He deserved it. I didn’t hurt him because I wanted to be mean, I did it because he wronged me. He betrayed me. Etc.
All right so for a few days you’re still heated up by this but of course, as time goes on, remorse increases deep inside. He’s your friend after all. Little by little the justifications you gave yourself to be in the right in the situation become stupid in your eyes and mind. Almost nonsense.
But what happens if that friend still rejects you and won’t forgive you?
Even greater guilt and depression and stuff.
To prevent this fatal fall, here’s what you should keep in mind: even if now you think that what you did and the reasons you had for doing it are idiotic and aren’t worth such a big fight, the ‘you’ of the past, of that time that you hurt him, did on the contrary believe that your actions were completely relevant and thus worth the fight.
And with that, you should be aware that you in fact consist of many ‘you’s as such. The you’s of the past, of the past week, of the past hour; the you of now; the you’s of tomorrow, of next year and so on… which should not be compared, because each of these of you are indeed different, with different values, tastes and even ambitions.
So what if the you of your past want to hurt your friend? That you isn’t you anymore. You’ve changed and I say that every day you are like reborn a new person… I mean, a new you. So whatever the previous you’s did is none of your business anymore and you shouldn’t blame those past versions of you for being… what? being you?
So stop feeling guilty and move on!
I hope I was clear enough in this post, if not go watch the two videos above, and I can’t guarantee that adopting this mindset will eventually work for everyone, but it did for me so… give it a thought. :)
And I can’t believe that Dan Gilbert has a similar theory about change in people! He stole it from me I’m sure ;)
Stay tuned for the next post in the psychology series, where I talk about all my crazy theories on observing life and people!
An Evil Nymph.