Last Thoughts. (MERRY NEW YEAR 2015!)

Since I missed Christmas on this blog, I better say it all together: MERRY NEW YEAR 2015!!!

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to share here on this blog for the last time this year, 2014. And here we are, already on the 31^st, and I have no idea what to write, but at the same time I have so many things I want to write about, that I want to put out there for the whole world to read and be aware of.

So I decided to simply go for the simplest way to deal with this: tell the plain truth. Write, without thinking twice. Type whatever comes out of my mind. Like a first draft. Thus, what will follow will probably be… chaotic, but well. These are the things I just want to get out of me.

2014 was, frankly, the year I cried the most. It was a heart-breaking, dream-breaking year. It was harsh and misunderstood and lonely.

As an annual ritual, I go through my ‘official’ diary (the hard paperbacks ones that are divided into the days of the year) during the last days of a year, mainly to copy the important dates and birthdays into a new periodical diary, that of the year to come. So I did just that recently and you know what I saw? I saw the very first week of 2014 as one which was filled with hope and determination about the future. I saw a young girl that knew exactly what she was doing and why and how she was doing it.

Now, it’s the last week of 2014, and tomorrow it’s going to be exactly one year after my younger self had written in that diary for the first 2014 week.

After one year, here I am, lost and confused… and probably desperate as well. The life I thought I had so much control onto had just slipped as easily as sand through my fingers. After the first month of 2014, everything was already slipping away. One event led to another and to another and I couldn’t control any of them. I could not escape from their blows.

I don’t know where to go from here.

The dreams and goals I had at the beginning of year had all shattered. They now seem further away than ever.

Of course, I had amazing experiences as well in 2014. It wasn’t all tears fortunately. But the tears I shed this year made me realise that this ideology of happiness, this obsession with reaching happiness… it’s just all fake. I mean, it’s impossible to be happy all the time. Happiness should not even be considered as a goal. It’s just a state. It comes and goes. And it’s all right. I remember when I started this blog, there was a post I wrote… a very old end-of-year post… about a wishlist copybook, in which I would list down all the wishes I wish would come true for each year, and I know that every year there’s a wish that stayed the same: to be happy. Well, 2014 taught me that it’s a stupid wish. Happiness is not something to wish for. It’s always there. You just have to know how to grab it and make the most of it when it awakes.

And it does, believe me.

2014 was a year when all my expectations had been crushed, but everything that came unexpected had not been that bad. Actually, they were quite awesome. Somehow, I finally understand the quote that says that when a door closes, another one opens, but then we tend to focus so much on the closed door that we don’t see the open one. I now believe that when an opportunity comes your way, even when it’s not an opportunity you like or expect at all, JUST TAKE IT WITH OPEN ARMS!!! Trust me.

You just never know what it will bring.

There are no short cuts to a dream life and often we have to take longer roads than anticipated… but so what? If you believe it, somehow, somewhere, you will get there. I think that sometimes we can do nothing but let life itself take the reins. Just go with the flow. It will lead you somewhere at least.

Yeah that’s how I comfort myself during a bad year 😉

2014 has also been very ‘nourishing’ for me, in terms of how much I gained in self-discovery and world-discovery. However, recently, I feel that I’ve been self-losing as well. I don’t really want to go into details but this gradual loss of a huge part of myself is frightening. My identity is wavering. At what cost? I often ask. Is it worth losing something over something else? My self unfortunately cannot contain everything.

There’s a last big lesson from 2014 that I’d like to share. It’s about… MONEY. Growing into an adult obviously made me more conscious about money, but in the end, I believe that…

Money, to me, is simply not valuable.

More precisely, money is not worth being valued as much as our society values it. It has value, of course, because you need it to fulfil your basic needs after all, but what I mean is that I find it useless to be obsessed about earning money (a common tendency for young adults like me), because at some point, I feel that we tend to place it over even more valuable things, such as love, peace, honesty, non-violence… Yes, those basic human values that are so intangible that we often forget to think about them. Take them for granted.

Well, I’ve written enough about 2014; I want to focus on 2015 now, and of course the first thing I want to say about the new year is that I shall no more overvalue money, I shall no more let my thoughts linger on money more than love and the other human values, that I actually learnt to chant back in secondary school.

No matter how much money I would receive from my parents every once in a while, I realised it never made me happy the way a simple smile from a friend did for instance. Yeah, that’s how unworthy you are, money.

I also realised that I don’t want to have a big house. I don’t even want to have a car. I only want a place I will finally be able to call home permanently; I want a job I will be so obsessed about that I would devote myself entirely to it; I want to feel safe; I want to be in a city where public transportation is awesome, because I love taking the train; I want to laugh and smile; I want to love.

Oh and I’ve decided to dedicate my entire life to gender equality.

I also want to say that it’s good to get out of your comfort zone from time to time. If you wanna be hardcore, just get out of your comfort zone every time you feel comfortable again. This is exactly what I’ve been doing in 2014 I believe and I think that I’m going to do it even more often as from 2015. Proof: I’m already moving out to a new apartment, with new people, like… today! Just when I was starting to feel at home in my initial residence… Oh well. I realised that being an international student, determined to be an international citizen, will mean a nomad life (and you cannot imagine the possible plans I’ve started to make for 2015-2016…).

Sometimes, I think about that ‘self-loss’ I’m going through right now and it makes me feel like: let’s go for every opportunity, because now, I have nothing to lose anymore.

A lost girl might as well make the most of her wanderings.

See you in 2015!

An Evil Nymph.