It feels like it’s been ages since I last posted on this blog.
This was mainly because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (which eventually also includes writing, reading and watching anime/TV series ^^).
Three months’ school holiday is way too long, although it’s been filled with seeing new horizons, since I’m in a foreign country, but at some point it pretty much fucks your mind, especially if you’re living on your own. You start getting all deeply philosophical and start questioning every aspect of life.
Or is it just me?
I’d like to share a few of those haunting thoughts that have been following me for a while… and hopefully read your comments afterwards:
1. On Mirrors
I don’t know if I’ve talked about this here but I moved to a cheaper residence at the start of the year and among the furniture available in my room there was no sign of a mirror! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not your vain narcissist typical girl, but I enjoy making up outfits in front of a tall mirror and… well I simply have this ‘strong liking’ for mirrors. Therefore the mirror chase was on! My friend also joined me because she happened to want a mirror as well (peer influence XD). We were of course looking for the cheap options so we looked a little everywhere and took our time before we finally settled on those specific budget-friendly-but-nice-quality mirrors…
Anyway, this whole ‘chase’, that lasted about a month, made me think of something very peculiar about mirrors. It all started when my friend taught me how to know the difference in quality in the glass of the mirror (quite simple actually: just look into both mirrors one after the one and check for any ‘deformities’ in terms of how your body is being reflected… If your head is way bigger than your body you obviously know it’s not a good mirror…). She thus wouldn’t choose a mirror because it didn’t reflect her ‘normally’ i.e. the way she thinks her body is.
This was when the discussion started and my thoughts started to grow.
But how does she know how she is? If one thinks about it, no one can see oneself, except through reflecting glass, like a mirror, but if my friend just proved me that the mirrors can be flawed, then in truth, one can definitely never see oneself.
So it means that we’ll never know how we truly are in appearance unless we become so flexible that our eyes can pop out of their sockets and turn to see us…
What we see everyday in a mirror is only a copy of who we are but not a perfect one. Even in pictures one can be deformed, depending on the lenses, angle, quality of the camera etc. Other people can see us though, but as much as they can describe us with words we will still not have seen our true body. Besides, what they see is only what the light available reflects from our body to their eyes. This kind of reflection can be flawed too, who knows.
Is it that we are a physical mystery to our own self? Can it be that in the end we happen to know more about our intangible mind and soul than tangible our body?
2. The Past in relation to who we are now
The moment I set foot in Malaysia, I knew that my only reason to go study abroad was to start a new life. I wanted to create a new me. New opportunities. I believe that’s partly why I didn’t blog as often and why I soon stopped vlogging. I think I simply am not a stable person. I love and embrace change and novelty. Basically, I wanted to leave my past behind.
But why? My past wasn’t so bad. I only spent 19 years living and most of the things I have been through have been amazing. I went to school. I wrote. I made videos. I did art. I had a home, I had friends. But why, why did I feel like I wanted to put everything away and start anew? Of course there has been downs as much as there has been ups but, it doesn’t just make sense.
I wanted to be someone different from the girl who was me before. University gave way to the prospect of being reborn. Embrace new passions and dreams probably? A new culture? A whole new life. Yet, however much I pushed the ‘blogger’ or ‘writer’ or ‘artist’ within me, these aspects of me kept crawling back. I didn’t resent them but I simply wanted to do something new. Or…
I think that the deepest wish my heart has ever whispered to me is to be accepted for who I truly am. And in going to uni in a completely new environment was for me a way to find my true self… again? or even a truer version of me… I didn’t want to impose an image, a prejudice of me to others by openly being a blogger or an artist. I wanted to appear like any junior student and see what would happen. I felt that already having this ‘artistic’ identity only limited me, thus to free myself, I had to free myself from it all.
Because I believe that our past actions shouldn’t define ourselves.
But in the end, everything came back after me. Everything I’ve hidden came to the surface. And I ask myself, we shouldn’t be judged by our past, but for who we are, but in truth, who are we? Who am I? Doesn’t my past actions define who I am now? If I stripe myself from the girl creating art, what is left? But then, if I stole in the past, it doesn’t mean that I’m a thief now.
Who am I? How do I define who I am at the core? Beyond those layers of skin and actions, who are we?
3. What is the meaning of life? What is its purpose? Should life be worth it only when it is fulfilled?
How to be… complete?
This time, I’ll let YOU think a little more about it 🙂
An Evil Nymph.