A Writer’s World; A Writer’s Block

I always believed that writers had an imaginary world of their own, where every story, every place, every character they had ever created resided, because I do have one. J. R. R. Tolkien and C. S. Lewis had one each, and now of course we would also think of George R. R. Martin’s. Mine also has a name, but not as fancy as ‘Narnia’, so I’ll skip that part. This phenomenon, I call it a writer’s world. All the characters and all the buildings or places I’ve ever invented since I was 8 still exist for me and are just waiting for my cue to jump out to the real world and onto paper.

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The thing is, I’m currently having the longest writer’s block ever. I’ve written a few short stories at the start of the year but since then I didn’t open my word processor at all (except for assignments, no choice, obviously). So it’s been around 6 months (OMG half a year!) since I last put a story on paper. I rarely think about my writer’s world anymore but when I do, it looks chaotic and neglected, instead of being the little paradise I used to go to when I was in secondary school (my writing peak years) to pick and choose characters and what not.

Today I finally realised why I am going through this writer’s block. I mean, the obvious reasons are there, which are also personal, but today I was at last able to decipher the unconscious reasons. A guess, at least. It happened in postmodern literature class, when our lecturer was briefly introducing to us the metanarrative of trauma in postmodern novels… Basically, trauma is often a gap in the author/character’s memory, and because of that gap there is a disconnection between events before and after the trauma, which leads to the traumatized subject as being stuck in a loop around this traumatic ‘forgotten’ event that he/she cannot let go but will also not acknowledge… (I have no idea if my explanation is correct; postmodern literature is still new and confusing to me, yet of course very mindblowing.)

That was when it hit me: I am stuck too. I am stuck with an idea, a story, characters I came up with a few years earlier but I was alright until I literally became obsessed with it at 16. I’ve written tons of versions of it since then and, lately, I’ve been trying to get over it and take on a new idea, because it somehow did not work, but I am still drawn back to it. I AM STUCK IN A CREATIVE LOOP. It was when my teacher said the word ‘loop’ that it all made sense. It probably does not make much sense in this blog post, but I just felt like sharing, especially that this blog has accompanied me along my writing journey for such a long time already.

There is specifically a character that I created when I was 12 and that I kept ‘alive’ in various stories that were somehow all connected by her own story. Of course, she made it to this idea I cannot move on from and now that all is chaotic, she has become its central figure. If characters are truly a facet of the author him/herself, then how is it even possible to get over myself? I cannot forget her as much as I cannot forget my own real entity in this world. And if get over trauma is also about acknowledging the trauma, I cannot acknowledge someone who has felt so real to me in my writer’s world but who is actually non-existent in the real world.

I’ve been doing some thinking and as I am writing this, the clock is showing me 2:50 a.m., but I am now determined to take action and do something about it. I am determined to start a new writing project as from this November (NaNoWriMo, probably haha and also because of school holidays): embracing a new concept but with old friends; I will stay stuck a little more in this idea of mine and with this character of mine but with a little twist. I’m not giving away the details yet because this has all been mere thoughts but at least I can confirm that, yes I am stuck, I have writer’s block, but somehow I will write my way around it. I’m not doing a writing major for nothing!

Until then,

An Evil Nymph.

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