Disclaimer: This was written on Saturday 26th November, on the way back home. A short piece, unedited, that I just felt like sharing.
I’ve forgotten how to be alone.
I’ve forgotten how it feels to appreciate a meal outside of my home with my own company.
I’ve forgotten how to take solo adventures, like little trips to the city, and reflect on myself.
This year has been the least lonely year I have ever lived. From being part of a committee, to a community to a family. I’ve constantly been surrounded by friends. I’ve been left with very little time to myself.
So when the last semester of the year was over, I was left with mixed feelings. I was eager to go back to a tranquil lonely life, yet I was also apprehensive of it.
This year has been filled with ups and downs. This time, the downs really got to me. My confidence and self-esteem had decreased significantly. Funny thing is, what actually scares me the most when I go out on my own is to meet people I know. I guess I can say that I have a bit of social anxiety. My logic is that when I want to spend time alone, I really want to be alone. I want to wander among the crowd without being recognized. Without having to summon that fake smile. I enjoy being alone sometimes and I just don’t want that time to be interrupted. Is it only me? Is it weird?
Today, I took the train to the city for an event I had signed up for without any particular purpose, except that I was curious about it. That’s when my self-esteem got boosted a little bit more. Getting away, doing something new and unexpected: that’s what I needed. Yes, I did enjoy the few hours I was out alone. Going to places alone, despite the fear of meeting people, is refreshing. Inspiring. Relaxing.
The joy of being alone is that moment when you are able to find yourself… within yourself. You don’t always need other people for empowerment. Sometimes, to get life back in order, you just have to take a step back, take it slow. It’s also letting yourself feel what you feel, without anyone’s judgement.
An Evil Nymph.